Help, I'm alive

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“I’m going to treat you like a princess like you deserve”

Then why do I do all the;
Cleaning
Cooking
Buying
Transporting
Scheduling
Ect…?

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I wish I was dead.

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So tired.

Nothing good ever comes out of me. It’s all just one continuos cluster fuck. I’m a disgusting waste of flesh and bone who has nothing to offer this world. I’m so tired. I’m tired of waking up every morning and having to fight against all of this noise inside my head. I want it all to stop. I’d rather feel nothing than happy, excited, or loved, because the feeling of hate, loathing, and disgust feel a lot worse. I wish that I wasn’t such a coward and that I could actually make a difference. I don’t know when I’m not thinking about ending my life. It’s been constant thought for years. This would be better, and that would be better if i was just gone. But I can never seems see to muster up the strength. I can’t even cut myself deeply because of a lack of sharp objects. I only have faint little cat scratches from the newest pair if scissors I own. I’m so sick of making constant mistakes and failing at so many things. I mean I found something I truly enjoy to do, and now that’s been ruined by my crazy boss and my shear lack of skill. I can’t do shit. And all the hair I do comes out like shit. I can’t even do what I like. I’m fucking terrible at it. There’s no real point in me finishing up my cosmetology license if I can’t do jack shit.
Can someone just put me out of my misery? I’m a weak stupid person, and I need freedom from myself.

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No matter the amount of good things I do in my life, they will never make up for the bad. When I screw up, I screw up big. Lucky me, I fuck up at least once a day. I’m a piece of scum living in a lie. People can see all these “wonderful qualities” in me, but fail to see all of these horrible ones. No one is perfect, but there’s a lot better than me out there. I don’t deserve what I have. And soon everyone will see what a disgusting low life I really am. I’m a selfish excuse for a person who makes all the people around her disappointed, disrespected, and untrusting of myself. I’m broken, not whole. Like a defective toy. I might look all brand new, but the wiring inside is all fried.

I wish I wasn’t such a coward, it would be so easy.

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I really hate when people try and tell me things that are untrue. Im not fishing for complements. I’m not trying to just feel bad for myself. But, truthfully, I’m just a fat, stupid piece of shit. Don’t tell me I don’t need to loose weight, because I do. Don’t tell me that I’m intelligent, because I’m not. Don’t tell me that I’m not the most loud obnoxious fuck you’ve ever met, because I know I am. The people that love me don’t love all of me. No one does, and no one would. There’s nothing here to actually love. Yea, you think I’m nice and I do a lot, but I feel alone for a reason. All the love I dish out, I don’t feel it being returned. That’s just another hole in me that won’t ever be filled.

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Nothing even happened today.

Yet, at the moment I feel overwhelmed with sadness. I have this terrible feeling of abandonment and just over all pain that aches my emotional state of mind. I’m not good enough for anyone. More importantly I’m not good enough for myself. I hate waking up in the morning and being forced to look at my disgusting excuse of a body. Then as I put on my make up and do my hair, all I do is stare at the thousands of imperfections. I’m so tired of being me and being trapped inside my own head.